Amazon Is Hiring 50,000 New Workers. Here’s How To Get One of Those Jobs

Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.

This could be the job of a lifetime.

It could, of course, just be a job that pays OK and makes you feel a little better about yourself and the lover you’re desperate to impress.

Still, you’ve got a good chance here, as Amazon has announced it will hire up to 50,000 people on August 2.

All you have to do is to go to one of 10 fulfillment centers across America and learn how you can be fulfilled.

Don’t worry that some of these jobs are hourly affairs.

Amazon insists that 15 percent of its staff started as hourly workers and then made it to permanent positions. Or, as permanent as any job is these days, given that the sound you hear is robots clanking toward you with every passing moon.

Job interviews aren’t easy. So I’m here to give you a few tips in order to stand out.

1. Mention Jeff Bezos’s Biceps And How Much You Admire Them.

Healthy knees buckled at recent pictures of the Amazon CEO and his well-developed arms. Explain to the interviewer that you’ve seen them and that you, too, will have splendid biceps that will make you a better packer than anyone from Green Bay. These jobs are, after all, box-packing jobs. Reveal your inner knowledge of the company and of what it takes to pack box after box after box after box. It takes Bezos Guns.

2. Do Not Mention Donald Trump.

The president keeps on barking at what he calls the Amazon Washington Post. He isn’t happy about how this newspaper — owned, in fact, by Bezos — publishes articles that describe him as, for example, someone who “has a dangerous disability” and “is not well.” Politics is never a good conversation subject in interviews anyway. Here, it’s very bad. Unless, that is, you think Bezos would make a great president.

3. Tell At Least One Story Of Your Utter Ruthlessness.

It could be the time you walked up to a fellow child in elementary school, ripped an ice cream out of their hand and ate it while they wept. It could be the story of rushing for a train and body-checking an old lady out of the way so that you could get on. Amazon’s work culture is notoriously unforgiving and competitive. Show the interviewer that you have what it takes. Please, though, don’t push the interviewer over to make your point. Interviewers can be notoriously sensitive and egotistical. It’s the power that gets to them, you know.

4. Mention At Least 3 Other Industries That You’d Wish Amazon Would Disrupt Right Now.

A few thoughts: The real estate business, car buying, banking, law. Oh, and did I mention real estate? Allow the interviewer to imagine there would be no more car dealers, bankers, lawyers or realtors. Allow the interviewer to feel as good as they’ve felt in some time. After all, they work for Amazon.

5. Slip In The Idea That You Think Elon Musk’s Rockets Will Never Go Anywhere.

In a company like Amazon, fealty to the boss is absolute. You should know that Bezos has a rocket company called Blue Origin. Its big rival is Elon Musk’s Space X. Bezos is very keen to win this space race. You know, men and their rockets. So show your support for Blue Origin by saying that Space X sounds like a Ray Harryhausen B-movie.

I feel sure with these five tips, you will soon be packing away and, before very long, you’ll be promoted to, I don’t know, Senior Packer, Packing Supervisor.

You might even be put in charge of a special project called Pack To The Future.

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